My Testimony
I lived the first ten years of my life in sunny California, where my dad was an LA county sheriff. As a child, I was full of energy, very adventurous, and I loved to read everything I could. But, when I now remember those days, they are so clouded. I know my mind then was only full of empty, childish fancies, and I can’t remember ever deeply thinking about anything, most especially my soul. Life was all fun and games, and I lived to enjoy myself and be liked by everyone. But inside, I was filled with bitterness, envy, hatred, rebelliousness, and willful stubbornness. I am sure that I of all my siblings received the most punishments, and I am sure there were many well-deserved ones that I escaped from.
Perhaps my worst sin of all was the secret one. I held myself in such high esteem that even God was subject to me. I often prayed for particular things I wanted, and to close I would add a threat, something like, “If you don’t give me this, God, well, I just won’t come to heaven!” I laugh now at my silliness, but at the same time I am acutely aware of the struggle I have had and still have in putting to death the heart of pride which generated those thoughts and actions. Though I still wrestle, and maybe always will, I can see clearly that my entire life was then totally consumed by it.
I was assured of myself. I had said a prayer, I went to church, I memorized AWANA verses, I sang in choir, and even earned stickers for superior behavior during “children’s church”. That list was my ticket; it was how I was going to get to heaven. Oh, but how pitiful it would have looked alongside of Christ’s righteousness.
Yet somewhere in the will of God, He purposed that that list would not be all I have to show before Him. He graciously ordained that I be saved through the salvation of my dad. When he was converted in 1999, everything began to change. The Bible became central in our home. Prayer was now passionate, and not just something methodically repeated before meals. My dad changed so completely in that next year that he became an entirely different person. He was kinder, gentler, much more humble, and passionate about teaching us the truth.
In seeing that change, my heart was greatly troubled. I didn’t act at all like him. I had been hardened by and to my sin, and to this point it hadn’t bothered me. Yet suddenly, unexpectedly, I wasn’t secure. And maybe, just maybe, God was something other than what I had made Him out to be.
Pondering deeply these things, I began to be changed. I cannot put a date or time on the moment when I died to sin and embraced Christ as my only hope. There were no marks of intense struggling leading to overwhelming joy. Instead, it was a slow and painful period of time. Yet it was during this time I believe I was saved. I rapidly began to recognize and hate my sin, and more and more was my quietly growing love for Christ becoming evident. However, this all took place over a period of two or three years, and the “moment” is buried there, probably never to be known (at least in this life).
One of my greatest struggles was with assurance. Oh, how I wanted to know I was truly saved! But everything I did seemed to lead to doubt and despair. If I did something good, I convinced myself I did it for my pride, and sinning was just another proof of my wicked heart. I was increasingly becoming aware of the fact that I could do nothing good apart from Christ and apart from God’s Spirit within me. Looking back now, I am encouraged by that time of struggle, because I see that it was a struggle that led to further growth and godliness. I do believe that I was truly saved, even then.
The verses that comforted me the most during that time were John 10:27-30:
My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish, neither shall anyone snatch them out of my hand. My Father who has given them to me is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and my Father are one.
I desperately wanted the assurance that I was a sheep, and I knew that I would prove myself to be one only by following Christ. So, weak as my attempts were at first, I began to strive hard to follow.
It has been hard, and still is hard, to put to death the many sins that daily show themselves in me. But I do believe that I am a sheep, and that Christ is my Shepherd. I stray at times, but He is faithful even when I am not, and gently leads me. And oh, how great a treasure I can now lay before God on that day when all are judged, for I no longer have empty lists, but I have Christ and His righteousness, which covers me, and makes me new.
To those who read this, and are trusting in something else to lay before God, let me say that you have no hope. That is, you have none, unless you put aside those empty things and run to Christ as the only one who can save. He calls for sinners to come to Him, to be washed in His blood, and to be made new by His righteousness. And how precious is that gift he gives. So, come and follow Him. Stop trusting in anything else, for all else is empty, and in vain. Only Christ will be accepted by God on that day, and Christ is the only hope that will last.
Laura
Candid: 